Ms. ZigZag

Island Fever, Gay Fever, and the Thug-Karaoke-Rumble!

Me and Brad arm-wresting near Pololu Valley

I was on the Big Island in Hawaii for 10 days doing all the things you would expect a person to do in Hawaii. Until the last night when Brad took us to a thug bar that had pool and Karaoke. It was mostly filled with big guys that were tattooed, pierced, and all related. Cousins, brothers, brother in laws, etc. There was also the pool Queen, a woman with long gray hair, a flower in her ear, and wearing a pool glove. Everyone had their own stick. This place was serious. And very local. All of them were either biological family or old friends. Some of them had never left the Island from birth. 

Here's the scene: Brad swaggers in, places his quarters down and we all get stared at in silence. It was the first time in many years I walked into a bar and was actually concerned for my safety. One of the locals snarled "Who is this guy?" and that's when I got a little fidgety. Soon enough Brad kicks the local's ass in pool. He beat the Queen!) which has them antsy, but then Brad takes a break and busts out singing Billy Joel's Just the Way You Are in Karaoke!  (No wonder his nickname is Badass.) One of the local thugs named Tino (short for Santino) decides to battle Brad in Karaoke (the Karaoke is scored by a machine on accuracy). Apparently these thug-guys never sing (the bartender told me it was the first time she has seen it happen) so this ruckus becomes something of novelty for the locals. Tino sings a sexy-cowboy-meets-poolshark version of Achey Breakey Heart. He starts the songs saying, "This is how the locals do it!" By the end of the song everyone was whistling and hootin' and hollering and the vibe calmed.

I even got out of my chair to sing Blondie (Heart of Glass), Billy Joel (You May Be Right), and Supertramp (The Logical Song.)  I tied my score with Tino! But Brad ultimately beat us all. The night ended with my group and the locals singing songs, drinking and laughing. They all hugged us as we left. Oddly, it was one of my favorite nights on the Island. Thanks Brad! 

View from Condo

My vacation was also filled with kayaking through the Captain Cook Bay (did you know they ate his body after they killed him?) Lots of snorkeling, hiking, four-wheel driving, hula-hooping, and dancing. But mostly I was laying around resting in the sun. 

And lets not forget about the gay-fever that erupted when Obama announced support for gay marriage. At first I scratched my head thinking, "Are we still talking about that?" I thought we were evolving. Shouldn't gay-anything be okay already? Then everyone started to criticize Obama for "using it to get votes," but when you really think about it it takes real balls for a man in his position to announce to the world that he is in support of one of the most controversial civil rights subjects in history. Anything that makes the Pope shudder is fine by me. 

Brad and Gina aka: sexy happy lovebirds.

Alyssa and I smiling smiling smiling...

Pololu Valley

MIchael and Kate aka: Meow! 

A friend's living room in the jungle near Pahoa

Much of what I did for ten days included just this.

Green Sands Beach (Near South Point)

The sacred green-gold sand.

 

 

 

 

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5 Things I've Learned in the Last 5 Days

The above photo is an ad I saw in 'W' magazine for women's lingerie. Apparently spanking a bunch of man-boys is supposed to sell women's underwear?

#1

Knowing is more powerful than believing, but knowing the best time to know is more profound than just knowing.

#2

Hold onto to the people that make you feel the best. 

#3

Loving someone unconditionally is like cutting into your own throat and being okay with the gore.

 #4

Failing is okay. Aiming Low is not.

#5

When you are getting ready to go on vacation in Hawaii it's impossible to think of anything else. I'll try to catch up with my challenge of 30 poems in 30 days. Get ready for cheezy fun poems about beaches, naked people, and tequila.  

 

 

 

 

 

If I really told the truth...

If I really told the truth I would tell you that I know the secret of how to shoot through bulletproof glass.

If I really told the truth I would tell you the best way to greatness is not to worry about age or freshly arrived talent. It's about drinking more beer and learning how to win at what you love. Any oaf can be a good loser.

If I really told the truth I’d tell you that you have to love yourself first, but always be aware of total defeat. Learning the taste of defeat is not a bad thing.

If I really told the truth I’d tell you to go nuts for the thing you want most. Lose sleep over it. Obsess over it. Make it your mission.

If I really told the truth I would tell you that I think of death everyday in the form of a car crash, cancer, heart attack, or falling in the bathtub.

If I really told the truth I would be embarrassed to be seen without my armor.

If I really told the truth I would say I never want to grow old. Not in body or spirit. Not in smile lines or hip size. Not in knees buckling or blood pressure. I would tell you that I would sell my soul to live forever at 35.

If I really told the truth I would tell you that I hate VCR’s and stereos and anything requiring wires.  It’s 2012. WTF…..wires?

If I really told the truth I would smash my cell phone to pieces and use a landline only. I know that’s a contradiction because I just said I don’t like wires, but cell phones suck. Stop expecting me to pick up the phone.

If I really told the truth I would tell you I know a thing or two about beauty. Mostly about women’s beauty. And it doesn’t lie in expensive creams, or the cost of their finery. The most beautiful women are the women that already know they are beautiful.

 

 

A Royal Case of The Chickadee

Every time he calls me chickadee I cringe, but I don’t have the heart to tell him to stop. It was his dead sisters favorite nickname and that’s just weird considering I’m sleeping with him. I feel like clucking like a chicken every time, but that’s not really what a chickadee would sound like.  Sometimes I tweet. Just the words, “tweet-tweet,” but that makes him like it more. I tried asking him to play around with other bird words, but then he started calling me parrot and that was totally fucked up because I got caught up and started repeating everything he said as a joke. “Want to head to the grocery store tonight?” He’d ask and I’d just say, “Want to head to the grocery store tonight?” It drove him nuts and I thought I was making a point about how much I hated the damned bird nicknames. Chickadee went from parrot to owl and then flamingo. Flamingo was more than I could handle so I started calling him snake names like python and cobra. Unfortunately he liked it, and now it seems we are a new kind of odd snake-bird couple. I finally settled on chickadee, he settled on cobra. I lost that game the hard way. 

Prose + Poem = Prose Poem =)

Nailguns and Rob Lowe.

 

Yep. Rob Lowe.

Here is a great quote I read from him in Success Magazine. It was in reference to how he adjusted to failure and having his career tank a few times.

He said: "The first thing I do is move on. It's easy for me to say three decades in. If you asked me that question when I was starting out, I would probably have a different answer, but now I know how many happy accidents have to line up for something to work. You can be sabotaged on 70 different levels on any project, wittingly or unwittingly, and I know that even in failure, it can lead you to a path of more success. I believe that. Now you either believe it or don't believe it, but if you do, you don't look back."

Happy Accidents. I like that idea.  There were times in life when I thought I was losing and things would never get better. Looking back, I was actually winning; I just couldn't see it at the time. It's like a turn in the road that you can't see until you walk (or crawl) a few more steps. Life is funny that way.

Okay here is today's poem:

The Roof Next Door

There is a man nail-gunning a roof.

Not my roof. The roof next door.

And he’s hitting that thing 

like his life depends on it.

It must be satisfying.

I’m jealous of his job,

he gets to fix things and know they are fixed.

I am a writer who is forever chasing stories,

never quite sure of the endings or beginnings.

 

Pop Pop Pop. More nailgun.

I always pictured myself in a bigger house, 

listening to my husband working on the walls, or the floors.

A house on a hill with a dog and a yard.

So many things change, so I keep writing stories.

 

There is always pain in the story,

which is the flip-side of pleasure,

I should learn to accept the two as sisters.

 

 

 

Walking Toward the Runway

On the tarmac walking toward a small plane,

I was reminded of my dead friend Walter.

First the smell of the engine made me think of

of gas stations and mechanics,

but the wings of the 74-seat turboprop

prompted my memory to the 38 yr old man

who died prematurely in a crash last year.

It was a small plane that went down in Buffalo, New York.

I forgot Walter’s last name, as if that matters.

He’d help us move furniture, offer soup if we were sick,

give you a ride to the store. A real man of the community.

He never said, “How are you?”

Instead he would say, “What have you let go of today?”

The awkward question became a ritual.

I would see him coming and try to think

of my answer before he asked.

The truth was that I was always holding on.

One time I said, “my grief” another time I said, “my bad hair.”

But I still ached for someone,

wished things were different.

Standing on the tarmac I asked

myself this question in honor of Walter.

I finally realized the best answer was, “Everything.”

 

 

30 Poems 30 Days (Starting now)

It looks like my head was up my ass this last month (and yes, that IS a technical term.) Apparently I forgot it was national poetry month. Normally poets all over the country write 30 poems in 30 days in April. So I'll start today and end on May 22. 

This poem was inspired by a friend of mine. Last October he and I were drinking whiskey in the woods on a camping trip and he started to tell me stories about living and visiting third world countries. It inspired me to write this. 

Places That Once Were Roads

A vulture looks up from eating something dead. 
It pecks and stretches fleshy tendon,
the buzz of insects surround the meal,
hyena yelp echoes in the distance.

The camera pulls back,
and you realize the vulture is sitting on
what was formerly a pig,
the pig is bigger than you thought.

Pull back a little more and you are at a human dump
with car seats, shot gun shells, rotten food.
It smells like putrid flesh, burnt plastic, and human feces.

Pull back a little more people are living in the dump.
In earlier times they had pink skin like the pig.
Now they are filth-brown from grit and poverty,
they watch you and wait for you to do
something other than stare and gag from the stench.

Pull back again - surrounding this village, 
unbroken by the white noise of starvation and fear,
is tall yellow grass caressing the wind, each blade
creating one giant synchronized wave.

Furth in the distance far away from the dump,
the grass is a pale gold fleece,
warming the earth, reflecting the sun. 

 

12 Things I've Learned in 2012

Are you still out there?  I took two months off my blog because I was recovering from a bad break up.

It went like this: Boy meets girl. Boy and girl really dig each other. Boy and girl realize it’s bad timing. Boy and girl break up.

Then I cried a lot, felt really insecure, ate pizza and chocolate, drank wine and commiserated with best friends...

...and then I hired a really amazing life coach who changed my life.  Low and behold I feel great again. I think the best part about aging is that you can recover faster from crappy shit life dishes out. 

Here are the top ten twelve things I’ve learned (or re-learned)  since the beginning of 2012:

1. Greatness is in the comeback. “Greatness is not defined in moments of victory; it is defined in the moments after a defeat.” - Darren Hardy
   
   
2. If someone says they are not ready to be in a relationship move on and don't think you can change them. 
   
   
3. Yoda already gave you the memo: "There is no try, there is only do or do not."
   
   
4. Ask big questions. Not just to yourself, or good friends, but to strangers you meet. Strangers love big questions. Embrace the unknown with someone you don't know. 
   
   
5. You are allowed to change your mind along the way. However if you change it, do it with courage. Say, "i changed my mind." You're allowed to do that. 
   
   
6. Cardio alone does not give you a great body. Muscle confusion and resistance training is the best way to a rockin’ bod. 
   
   
7. Own yourself without apology. Are you loud? Edgy? Kooky? Quiet? Bold? Own it. Be you first....take your stance. The best example you can create is authenticity. 
   
   
8. Sleep and drink your way to the top. Sleep is key to a happy life and water is key to the fountain of youth.  
   
   
9. Don't stay angry for more than a couple of days about anything. Anger, although useful, has a shelf life.  
   
   
10. Speak with conviction. Don't be a pussy.
    
    
11. Warm feet make a huge difference. If your feet are cozy you will look sexier and better on a dance floor than swaying in heels.
    
    
12. Doing less is actually doing more. The more simple life gets, the better you feel. (It takes a lot of discipline to create sanity, but it's totally worth the effort.) 

Female Panda with automatic weapon

Male Panda with shotgun

Alphaba the Superbird getting love from Pink and Eben

Neisha and I in Bend

 

Sleazy Monogamy? Transparency in Love?

Below is an episode I appear in on Reveal What's Real. I was asked to be a guest on Erin Donley's show. 

 "Erin Donley gathers four leaders in the personal growth field to speak about the challenges of monogamy. The purpose of this show is to reveal how this conversation can be had in society and with those we love. The ultimate intention is to include all perspectives without shame, blame, or judgement - so truths can rise to the surface and the fulfillment we seek in love can finally be found." - Reveal What's Real

 

 

A Good, Dirty Tease. Just for You.

Here's are teaser clips from Erin Donley's show, Reveal What's Real: The Monogamy Episode! It will air next week, so get ready. In this show we discuss monogamy in the 21st century and what it means from a modern woman's standpoint.

• Is monogamy natural?
• Is it possible to sustain?
• Why are men labeled cheaters in the media, when plenty of women have affairs?
• How can we step into our power as women and bring this conversation alive so that the old paradigm can evolve into something truthful, authentic and revealing?

This hot and juicy episode will air locally on Portland Public Access Channel 11, and online on Reveal What's Real.